Posts Tagged ‘History’

We Burn Old People

Because my parents have a strange sense of humor, when I was 12 years old, I was sentenced sent to an English boarding school. One minute, I’m living in New York City. Sixty seconds later, I’m stuck in a real-life Midsomer.

Let me tell ya…. Just because the two nations share a common language doesn’t mean that we’re the same.

As October rolled around, I anxiously anticipated Halloween. My mind was filled with thoughts of costumes, scary movies, and copious amounts of candy. My excitement, however, wasn’t shared by my fellow inmates students. In its place, I noticed a sinister plan developing.

I discovered that my school was filled with bigoted pyromaniacs.

Disgusted and terrified, I ignored the prohibitively expensive overseas phone rates and called my parents.


Mother: “Hello?”

Me: “Mommy? I hate this place. I want to come home.”

Mother: “I understand that you’re homesick but….”

Me: “No! That’s not it. These people are insane. They’re planning to burn old people.”


Mother: “What?”

Me (stifling tears): “No one cares about Halloween. Instead, all they talk about is setting fire to old folks. And it’s not just one or two people. Everyone here hates senior citizens. Each grade is building a fake old person in order to burn it later.”


Mother: “Old people?”

Me: “YES. OLD FOLKS. That what they say. ‘We’re going to burn old folks.’ I don’t want to do it. I just want to wear a costume and watch the Great Pumpkin special.”

Mother: “Let me ask your father about this.”


Mother: “Honey? I think you’re confused. They’re not going to burn ‘old folks’. They’re going to burn ‘Guy Fawkes‘.”

Me (now screaming): “Who the hell is he and what does he have to do with Halloween?”

The rest of the conversation is a bit of a blur. However, I can still remember my mother laughing hysterically.

In case you’re wondering, I’ve never been able to live down this incident. Proof? My father gave me this cake yesterday.

May your Halloween be filled with fun, family, and inflammable old folks.


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There are few things that suck more than going to the dentist.  In fact, it’s hard to imagine something worse than a root canal.  Oh, wait.  I just thought of something worse.  How about getting an STD while you’re there?  Yup.  That sucks more.

In my opinion, if you’re going to contract a sexually transmitted disease, you should at least get to have sex.  There’s something karmically unfair about “getting clap” without “getting off”.

This brings me to a delightful dental procedure called “transplanting”.  It’s a WTF moment if ever there were one.

front teeth

The above image is a wanted ad looking for front teeth.  Let me say that again.  The dentist is looking to buy front teeth. I doubt you find that even on Craigslist.

Pretend you’re living in the 1700’s.  Your teeth are like everyone else’s.  That is to say:  Your teeth are rotten, stinking and generally resemble a badger’s ass.  What’s a person to do?  Here’s a thought.  Get some new ones!  For the right price, you can get some spankin’ new teeth.  Well…  Not “new”, really.  They’re “slightly used’.

During “transplanting”, the dentist pulls your bad tooth.  So far, so good.  Painful but not freaky.  Not yet.  The doc goes into another room that’s filled with desperate bastards willing to sell healthy teeth.  Yup.  Sell teeth.  So, Dr. de Sade extracts a perfectly healthy tooth from one of the blighters.

Helpful Tip: Have a few “donors” on hand in case the first extracted tooth doesn’t fit.

The newly liberated tooth is then jammed into the empty, aching socket of the recipient.  The practice fell out of favor when patients began to acquire whatever diseases the original tooth’s owner had.  The most commonly contracted  disease? Syphilis.

Moral?  When you pull out and shove in, you may get an STD.  Everyone knows that’s backwards.  You need to shove in and then pull out.

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