Posts Tagged ‘Family’

We Burn Old People

Because my parents have a strange sense of humor, when I was 12 years old, I was sentenced sent to an English boarding school. One minute, I’m living in New York City. Sixty seconds later, I’m stuck in a real-life Midsomer.

Let me tell ya…. Just because the two nations share a common language doesn’t mean that we’re the same.

As October rolled around, I anxiously anticipated Halloween. My mind was filled with thoughts of costumes, scary movies, and copious amounts of candy. My excitement, however, wasn’t shared by my fellow inmates students. In its place, I noticed a sinister plan developing.

I discovered that my school was filled with bigoted pyromaniacs.

Disgusted and terrified, I ignored the prohibitively expensive overseas phone rates and called my parents.


Mother: “Hello?”

Me: “Mommy? I hate this place. I want to come home.”

Mother: “I understand that you’re homesick but….”

Me: “No! That’s not it. These people are insane. They’re planning to burn old people.”


Mother: “What?”

Me (stifling tears): “No one cares about Halloween. Instead, all they talk about is setting fire to old folks. And it’s not just one or two people. Everyone here hates senior citizens. Each grade is building a fake old person in order to burn it later.”


Mother: “Old people?”

Me: “YES. OLD FOLKS. That what they say. ‘We’re going to burn old folks.’ I don’t want to do it. I just want to wear a costume and watch the Great Pumpkin special.”

Mother: “Let me ask your father about this.”


Mother: “Honey? I think you’re confused. They’re not going to burn ‘old folks’. They’re going to burn ‘Guy Fawkes‘.”

Me (now screaming): “Who the hell is he and what does he have to do with Halloween?”

The rest of the conversation is a bit of a blur. However, I can still remember my mother laughing hysterically.

In case you’re wondering, I’ve never been able to live down this incident. Proof? My father gave me this cake yesterday.

May your Halloween be filled with fun, family, and inflammable old folks.


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