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How do you commemorate a human life?  How can you pay your respects and honor someone you loved?  Let’s see…  You could build a majestic mosemleum to stand as a (pardon the pun) concrete reminder of the dearly departed.  Perhaps, a living memorial is more appropriate and you name a child after the long-gone loved one.  Or, you could take Grandma’s ashes and compress them into a crappy diamond.  Wait.  What?

Out there in the big, bad and really, really disturbing world there are companies that, for a few thousand dollars, will take someone’s remains and magically transform them into a gemstone.  I like to refer to this as the “Ash, Smash and Cash” process.

The companies say they use a “pressurized process” to accomplish this feat.  I’m not falling for that old excuse.  I’m pretty sure they really use sorcery, naked dances under a new moon and puppy blood.  However, in all fairness, I’ve used those three things for lots of stuff myself.

I realize I’m probably a bit more neurotic than the average bear but….  this whole idea seems fraught with problems.  Very awkward problems.

Do I really want to wear my grandmother on my hand?  Clearly, I’ll never use that hand again for wiping.  Or, if I’m “in flagrante delicto” with someone, all action will have to cease while I remove Gran from my finger.  There are certain activities in which she shouldn’t be included.

What if the stone is stolen?  Gran is now in the possession of a tweaking scumbag.  Maybe he let’s his crack-whore girlfriend wear Gran for a little while.  Great.  Gran now gets a front-row seat to “Junkies Gone Wild”.  Of course, that’s before Gran is traded in a back alley for crystal meth… a different type of rock, altogether.

Eventually, Gran ends up in a pawn shop being “fingered” by strangers on a regular basis.  She gets more action in death than she ever did while she had a pulse.  Hmm….  Maybe it isn’t such a bad idea, after all.


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